Grateful

Grateful. Wooden signs, distressed shabby chic, in every household with the word, grateful. Sometimes I think about how long I think about a word and think to myself that I’m an exhausting person. But, like, in a good way.

In a good way. The most back-handed compliment, a flavored seltzer water. It tickles the nose and dries the mouth, curling it into an unconvincing smile. I mean it in the same way here. I try to convince myself that the grinding of my gears over a simple household decoration makes me a deep being, instead of obsessive. Neither are inherently good, but I tell myself that my heart is in the right place.

Honestly, it is, I swear. Grateful is a word worthy of adorning a house. But, the trendiness of being grateful, now that I can’t buy. I have millions of things to be grateful for, and I’ve tricked myself many times into thinking others do as well. There is gratitude and graciousness and of course these things are all well and good.

My problem is with the marketing of the whole damn thing. The use of the word is a villain in disguise. It is slung through the air at people who are struggling. I’ve slung it before, hard and fast. Dripping off the face of friends like pig’s blood on prom night.

Since the pandemic, the word has given me anxiety. I must be grateful for my job, even though I may be exposed or expose my household. At least we had enough PPE to reuse the same mask only once a shift, even though that had never been recommended by infection control before. Then, when I lost my job, I had to be grateful for the unemployment. Now I could safely quarantine, even though I find a life without a job to be not much of a life at all.

I saw the word on social media constantly. Grateful. Healthcare workers should be grateful, they have job security. They have something on their face to protect them, even if they are old containers of food.

The fact is that the word is overused, abused, manipulated to take advantage of the people in this world that are not treated fairly, their bodies unseen. I do have a lot to be grateful for this year, all of the above things ring true. What about the nurses in New York, though? What about the nurses around the country that lost their job? What about the essential workers without sick leave or adequate pay? What about the children separated from their parents, waiting in ICE detention centers? What about the black people in this country? Are they supposed to be grateful it wasn’t them? It wasn’t a member of their family killed? “Shut up and be grateful” has flashed on my screen as I scroll.

When using the mentality of “it could always be worse”, we miss the point. The voices of people are saying “I’m letting you know where I’m at before it gets worse”. It seems superficial to even refer to these circumstances as complaints, but time and time again we address them as such.

So, I’m saying that for now, I’m throwing the word away.

Pick things everyday that you enjoy. Sit in the moments or look back at the end of your day, but no matter what, don’t shame yourself for feeling ungrateful. Justice is necessary to state the word in the first place.

So here is to being joyous in the moment, and taking the rest for granted. Asking for more, without a hint of guilt. Here is to knowing your worth. The price is firm. No lowballs. No best offers. Just respect.