What people?

I think it only appropriate to start up my long forgotten blog again while in New York. Almost three years ago I was working in the city and I wrote the story of my first cross country road trip. I was (and still am) embarrassed submitting and then re-reading what I wrote. My face as red as the day I thought a fellow nurse purposefully bumped my ass and accidentally feigned flirty anger at a hot anesthesiologist. Redder than a patient that got a vanc bolus on accident.

It’s a human experience to be embarrassed and self criticize. Part of the reason I stopped the blog was because of how paralyzed I felt after reading past posts. Who was this wordy, self anointed, nursing philosopher all green and silly? Green turned to jaded after years of being a nurse, my past thoughts made me feel ill. This was even with reassurance. A coworker here and there saying they felt that way, too. A friend commenting on a post. Nothing could quiet the inner dialogue of me saying I was dumb, dumb, dumb.

Even as I write right now I think how this isn’t a truly original piece. Self doubt can rule us all some day if we aren’t careful. That’s no secret. It’s a fact thats being battled as we speak by Pinterest quotes and “influencers”. But that doesn’t matter. Originality, if not an illusion, is like chasing my tail; a time wasting game with no real purpose but to stop me from feeling I have the right to create.

Then there was a lengthy assignment at a hospital where nurses liked to look over my shoulder to assess and measure my knowledge. A place at which I never felt I measured up. In hindsight it was more likely than not that I was letting my ego get in the way of learning and connecting. I let myself care about what they thought of me.

A nurse at my current job was debating what culture really is if a person does not have (recent) roots outside of America. I mean I thought this was ridiculous. One of my many points was the difference between east and west coasts in the US, considering I had just been on the west coast for over a year. Then when I tried to compare my mind went blank.

I’ve said before that cities and countries are more complicated than just “hey those people really like their pizza” or “hey those people are jerks”. Generalizations are of course allowed but I’m not gonna buy or endorse it without really experiencing a place.

HOWEVER, there is one thing I think I can say about New York, nobody cares. Not that nobody is loving, or respectful. It’s just that nobody cares what you think of them, but it isn’t even an active decision. It isn’t that fake mentality of fuck the haters. It’s the mentality of what haters? What people?

Because New York’s first backdrop is skyscrapers that fall away in the fog. The second part of that backdrop is people. Herds and gaggles of hurrying and moseying people. So many, if you stopped to care what each of them thought, you might blow an aneurysm.

I only really thought about this when my boyfriend and I moved here for travel contracts. We were doing our own neighborhood tour of the grocery stores nearby (an obsession of his that I couldn’t adore more) and I grabbed his hand to hold. I then kissed him while we were waiting to cross the street and he basically said it was too much with all the people around. I looked around and all I could think is, what people?

I’ve seen people pissing, arguing, crying, laughing, making out, making up, breaking a sweat, calming their children, letting their children run wild. I’ve seen human shit in the middle of the sidewalk. Weed stinks up almost every street we walk down in the East Village. All of these things I’ve seen and moved on. Walked past the drunk girl shouting at her boyfriend, stepped over the pile of questionable gunk on the sidewalk.

I told him that nobody cared and if they did they definitely didn’t matter. I won’t say I’ve never looked out at the sea of people and judged or been envious. The thing is, how I feel about them doesn’t matter and its only made more evident by the shear volume of people. It’s humbling, it’s empowering, but most of all it’s the only way to quiet the any inner dialogue.

People in New York do care. The nurses I work with are some of the most compassionate. I’ve had so many patients that have been brought in because they were found down or weak on the streets. But if you ask someone what they think of your new shoes, the only response you might get is that they wished they made you walk faster.

So in my first post I said to roll out the red carpet. To make glamour of the mundane. To expect beyond “the plan”. In addition, I now say walk on said carpet like you’re walking down on a New York street during “rush hour”. Kiss at any crosswalk you wish. Trust that the only time people will take to care is when you need their care.